I Solemnly Swear...

I know that there is a massive heatwave currently gripping our nation, but tonight we need to visit a much cooler time in the past.  It's December 31st, 2008 and I am spending a quiet New Year's Eve at home with my parents (yep, that's how I roll).  Of course, everyone thinks about making major changes in life around the new year. Resolutions are made (and subsequently broken) each year by us all.  I was looking forward to an upcoming trip to China in March 2009 that I had planned and had a goal of losing about 20 lbs. before I left.

My mom was never one to make big resolutions. I think she lived her life the way that she enjoyed it as much as possible.  That doesn't mean that she didn't have things she wanted to change, but she was pretty matter of fact and lived in the here and now.  I admire that because I can tend to get caught up in the 'what if's' or 'if only's' of life sometimes.  However, this year she must have been thinking about making a change because when I made this crazy deal with her she didn't balk at all, which was very unusual.

She had smoked for about 40 years at that point.  We had nagged her to quit for many, many, many years but she always just shrugged it off.  But on this New Year's Eve I had the crazy idea to make a pact with her.  I make an serious attempt at losing a large amount of weight and she makes a serious attempt at quitting smoking.  I admit that I figured she would tell me to take a hike but she said yes! Whoa!

She did it, after struggling for a couple months she finally quit around March of that year and I cannot tell you how proud of her we all were.  She looked healthier and more beautiful than I had ever seen her!!  And at first I kept up my end of the bargain as well. I did indeed lose my 20 pounds for China (and climbed the Great Wall - more on that later!) but when I got back...let's just say I got a little off course again.

Mom & I at Clint's wedding.

Life got busy and I got distracted. At first it was good things (my brother got married in 2009) and then a bombshell hit. It's a sad sort of irony that a year after giving up smoking (and looking healthier than ever) that my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer.  It was 14 months of constantly fighting that nasty disease and not thinking about taking care of myself at all.  I gained more weight...and my mom noticed.  We found out around New Year's that her treatment wasn't containing the disease and she was not going to win this battle.  Those were some of the hardest -- and most precious -- weeks of my life.  We spent much time together and had great talks about life.  Mom made me promise (again) that I would lose this weight.  I was hesitant at the time because my heart was so full I couldn't even think about doing something that radical.  But I knew she was right. 

It's been 4.5 months since she passed and my heart is still broken.  I can't explain to you why I feel motivated to set out on this journey now, except to say that it is a calling.  I am sorry my mom won't get to walk with me down this path but she's in my heart...and she's my inspiration.