Sometimes the dichotomy of your personal and professional life can be startling. For instance, I am a "change agent" at work. When I take over a new project or program I immediately begin evaluating it for potential changes. It's not that I change things just for the sake of it, but more that I subscribe to the idea of 'continual improvement.' Many times, there are better ways of doing something and I'm the type of person that is keen to try those out.
You could argue that even in my personal life at times I've been unafraid of change (or at least unwilling to let fear of change get in the way). I went two states away to college, then moved to a major east coast city by myself, and I've moved three times since then for my profession. I have had people tell me before that they admire my courage to do all of these things and to be honest I've always had a hard time understanding that. To me it hasn't been courage that has led me to these choices but my faith in God to provide in these situations and a strong belief that I can accomplish something when I really set my mind to it (which sometimes works out and sometimes does not).
Even when you choose change it isn't always easy, but oftentimes the hardest change to accept and adapt to is what is forced on you. These professional changes were of my own choosing, but losing my mom was not a change I would have chosen at this age and stage of my life. There was too much life left to be lived with her, too much to be done and said. But that change was out of my control -- no matter how much I believed.
Most of the time I cannot forget what happened four months ago. But there are moments in the day when perhaps I'm caught up in something at work or watching a tv show when it feels like life is as it always was. And then in the next moment I remember that it isn't at all the same. It's a different life now. That doesn't mean it has to be bad but it has to be different. Sometimes its tempting to pretend that everything is the same but I know that can only last for a while...change this big is inescapable.
So, with so much change out of my control, it's time for me to change something within my sphere of influence. My life is different already and I guess its time that I reflect that.
I think it is pretty courageous of you to take all those leaps of faith. But, I know what you mean when you say you can accomplish something when you set your mind to it. I think that's how I used to do things, and maybe I've gotten away from it.
ReplyDeleteI think the hardest part of loss is getting back to the sense of being content in the present. And then when you remember things aren't the same, you are taken out of that.
While not the same as losing a person, having lost our dog recently, I can relate somewhat. Sometimes I forget Daisy's not sitting next to me. It helps me to think of the fun times. Does it help you?